An Arranged Adventure: A 40-Year Journey (So Far)

When I was residing in Hokie Land, my Dad was teaching high school in Stafford County, VA.  There was an English teacher there, affectionately known as Momma R, with whom  he became good friends. He and my mom became social friends with her and her husband C. They all enjoyed both a professional and social relationship.

R & C, had a daughter M, who was two years younger than my 20. I had seen her one time before when I was in F'burg with my dad, where R & C lived and once when she dropped by the Main Street house in Orange after a football game with some friends.

I had been on summer break for a few days after my third year at Tech (1970) with no big plans and no attachments, other than working construction in Orange. One of my cousins was staging a toga party on his farm, so I had planned on going. My mom asked me if I had a date and I said I had not been home long enough to figure out who was around, so, no, I did not. She had a plan, which included asking the S family and another associate of my dad's to come over to Orange for an evening BBQ, a Saturday night as I remember. She suggested that the daughter, M, come along and I could escort her to the toga party after the cook-out. I said, "Sure, why not." 

Immediately she called Momma R with her proposal with me in the kitchen. As chance would have it M was in the same room with her mom when she received the call and the proposal. While R was saying, yes, they would be delighted, M was vigorously shaking her head in the negative. But providence was a work and she became part of the family to arrive on that fateful Saturday afternoon.

When they arrived, there were lots of folks around, so I did not feel too awkward with the setup; M and I had some comfortable conversation about school and the toga party. I had not seen her for a while and up until this point I had never really had a one-on-one conversation with her  After eating the time arrived to go to the toga party which, of course, required a costume. M disappeared upstairs and I found a room to don my outfit, which I now have no memory of. What I do remember most definitely and clearly was M's graceful appearance on the side porch in an off-the-shoulder toga, some appropriate jewelry, and a laurel wreath in her beautiful brown hair.  My breath caught, for I had never seen her in this light before and I found her most attractive. My next reaction was the thought - this is going to be a great evening!

So, with an array of adoring smiles from all the family (they had high hopes now for this relationship) we set off for the farm. Seeing most of my close home-town friends was delightful especially with this loveliness on my arm.  The night ended up being a bit of a blur since we were in college-trained party mode. A dreamlike event occurred when my dad and M's dad showed up at the party with a decanter of wine that when tipped would shoot a thin stream of the red stuff a remarkable distance. The game was to coordinate the shooter with the drinker some yards distant so the stream ended up in the mouth.  They did not succeed. They  graciously said they would see us later and disappeared. As they departed, I told them it could be quite late and they advised us that the family was heading back to F'burg and I could bring M over the next day.

We stayed for a while longer and then proceeded back to the Main Street house, feeling relaxed and from my point-of-view enjoying the companionship immeasureably. After some time on the porch by ourselves, the evening ended.

Up the next morning, quite late as I recall (no church call, thanks, mom and dad), and feeling a bit groggy (in the true sense of the word), we set off for F'burg in a 1960 Ford Thunderbird, which I was driving at the time. I was really enjoying spending time with this girl and did not want this day to end. Something had changed.  In the course of an evening, I was no longer the confirmed, unattached, footloose college boy with plans of college graduation and an engineering career in the big time, but a guy that had met a girl who was going to change his life. We chatted it up comfortably on the return and I remember sitting in the car with M standing on the sidewalk outside her house and trying to figure out what I was going to do next.  I did not ask her for another date; I needed to decompress and think about what was happening, since I was feeling a little giddy at this point. I finally decided I just needed to go back to Orange, since I had an early date with the construction crew in the morning. So good-byes were said with no promise of a future.

Regardless of the fact that our folks were dying of suspense at what I would do next, no one asked much about the evening. I had decided on the trip back that I was going to ask her out again but I just needed to figure out a plan.  I called later in that week and asked her if she would come to Orange the next weekend and we could take in a movie in C'ville and I would drive her back to F'burg on Sunday. She said yes and the plan was set. The date worked out famously and I believe at that point I was probably a goner and would never look back. We attended a wedding of one of my fraternity brothers in NOVA later in the summer, and the brothers had not seen me since school let out. They call me Henry. After watching M and me together, more than one person said, "Henry, this looks serious, man" and I said, "Yes, it is."

The rest is history: we dated all that summer, she came with family on our beach vacation to Virginia Beach in August (I said ILY on the porch), she came down to see me in B'burg a couple of weekends, we were engaged during the Chrismas Holiday and got married on July 31th after my graduation. We began our married life in Greensboro, NC where I was employed as an engineer for Ma Bell. That was almost 40 years ago and the adventure continues. How awesome is that!

So, does this qualify as an arranged marriage? M and I say so, mostly because of the fun we have and the looks we get when we tell the story. I know now that both sets of parents had wondered if such a match was possible before we really met, hoped something would happen while we were dating, and rejoiced when we decided to marry. Not a bad start when the home team is 100% behind you. What could they say? We were their number one draft picks and we signed the contract.

There is another aspect to thinking about humans arranging stuff; providence plays the major role. I believe that the true higher power (there is only one), he who is other than we are, the creator of all we see and know, had a plan for us and he used those with wisdom and experience in our midst to guide us to each other. O, thanks Cuz for throwing that toga party.

Immense gratitude. That's all I can say right now.

School Trail: A Hike Around JRT

One of my students, J (front right), knows how much I like to hike. The AP Stats exam is over so there is slack time in the class, and she asked me what are we going to do tomorrow. I just bought some new hiking footwear (thank you REI for your annual sale and thank you Mrs. H for the gift card), so I had been wanting to try out my new trail-runners. When J said, "Hey, let's go on a hike!" I responded affirmatively that a jaunt around the Tucker grounds could be in the cards. So last Friday, right after lunch, a small group headed out.  The rest of the class were on the Physics Field Trip. 

We took a loop around the baseball field, found a tired-looking baseball, threw it around a bit, talked about summer and fall plans, watched some PE kids playing some kind of bat and ball game (too many on the field to match any rules I remember), talked about the challenge of scaling the playing field light poles, and decided to escape the moderate heat by returning to the classroom. Would you expect that someone in America would know that when you hit the ball into play you run? Apparently not, for no sooner had we begun to watch the PE kids, some young lady smacked the ball well and proceeded to stand at the plate while the entire crowd of players and onlookers shouted, "Run!" She finally got the message, but once frozen at the plate with what seems like the entire world yelling at you is not necessarily an incentive to run but more likely to go into a deeper freeze. She redeemed herself. She actually made it to first base safely ahead of a series of terrible throws. These folk are not bound for the Red Sox (man, they are hot right now).

One of  the joys of teaching are those times when the pressures are off and you can have longer and more meaningful conversations with students. Most of my students are seniors and my juniors are high achievers, so they, for the most part, are not sit-around-kind-of-people and have interesting things going on in their lives. The joy comes when they are comfortable sharing of themselves. This was one of those special times.

Old Trail: Max Patch Road to Hot Springs, NC

Date: Summer, 1998

Where: NW of Asheville, NC, near Great Smoky Mountains National Park

Weather: Night one, calm then stormy; Day one, misty to clearing; Night two, cool and clear, Day two, clear and warm.

Length: 20.6 m

Elevation change: Max Patch summit - 4629, Lemon Gap - 3550, Bluff Mountain - 4686, Hot Springs, NC - 1326

Duration: 48 hours (two nights and two days)

Imagine an overnight hike with all your grown children in the beautiful mountains of western North Carolina. Maybe this does not set your heart on fire, but for me this is close to heaven.  All my children (S, W & C) appreciate and enjoy the out-of-doors and a bit of arduous backpacking is on their list of desirable adventures. Imagine now that you take your children on a 20-mile overnight hike on the AT and you subject them to the some of the perils of our natural world. This combination makes for a memorable story.  This was the first overnight AT hike with all the kids.

We began our hike with an evening picnic near the access road to Max Patch, with Grandma and others who lived in Hot Springs at the time.  After a hearty meal we hoofed it up to the top of this bald escape to set up our tent for the night and commune with nature (deer roaming, birds nestling, breezes abundant, and a beautiful night sky, but clouds moving in). The weather was so fine some of us choose to sleep under the stars while others reclined in tent.  Like I said, near heaven until, after we were all asleep, the clouds started to misbehave and the sky began to flash, not specific lightning strikes but more like what we call "heat lightning". So here I am with the most precious creatures on earth poised on a completely exposed bald mountain with stormy skies. I'm now terrified, feeling so irresponsible, and completely immobilized (what am I going to do?) It is dark (except for those blasted flashes) and I am not sure how to descend to the trail we will be joining tomorrow (or is it today?). Is lightning going to strike? Lord, we were so exposed. I am close to panic. The boy wakes up and tells to me to chill, there is no problem; if things get dicey we'll just move on. I am still terrified, so the girls invite me into the two-man tent, not as if I were protecting them, but more for them to construct a sleeping bag sandwich with me in the middle. My shaking began to subside with their words of comfort and physical presence, the skies eased and we slept. I will never forget that night. The rest was anticlimactic by comparison.

The morning brought a dawn rain, so we broke camp quickly, headed down to an evergreen grove for breakfast. We set out for Bluff Mountain, 10 m away, in light drizzle. Typical of the AT, we hiked a ridge and saddle that at times gave us views and at times the mountain laurel was so thick we felt like we were tunneling. The skies cleared and the summer warmth arrived. We camped near Bluff Mountain, again some sleeping under stars, with the remnants of a campfire and the lingering odor of smores.

Early up and then we began our long descent into Hot Springs; another 10 m but a beautiful part of the trail, with magnificent rock outcroppings. Into town in the later afternoon, we took our time and just enjoyed being together out-of-doors. Spending this quality time with the offspring was balm to my soul after the fearful first night. 

Significant Side Trail: My Journey with the J-Man (God, I love him)

As long as I have had conscious thought I knew about the J-Man.  People around me talked about him and we went to a place on Sundays where he was the center of attention.  A lot of books have been written about him and what he did, which were read to me and I read myself.  Some of the things I learned about him were that he was an awesome teacher, he could heal sick people, he was Jewish and went to synagogue regularly, he was disliked by most of the "good people" around and he hung out with mostly "bad" or insignificant people.  Not being a popular guy with the authorities they finally arrested him and killed him (or the Romans did by their conventional method - hanging on a cross).  Three days after he died, he rose from his tomb and showed himself to a bunch of folk (who eventually wrote the books about what he did) and then left to be with his father.  The folks who had hung with him, started to tell others about him and what he did and a significant movement occurred that persists to this day.  During grade and high school I actively served him and believed he was important and was someone I should pay intention to.                            

When I went off to college, he took a back seat to the activities I was interested in pursuing, many of which were not very wholesome nor edifying to others.  When I was at home with my folks I would follow their lead, but I was just doing it to make them happy.  Most of the time when I was not studying I was indulging myself - my motto was "If it feels good, do it!"  It was the late 60s.

The summer before my senior year of college I started spending time with M (that's another significant digression for later).  She had a similar experience of the J-Man as I did, and neither one of us was particularly interested in making him a priority: too busy doing worldly stuff.  We got married, had some kids, and felt like something was missing in our parenting so we started going to the Sunday place where he was still the center of attention thinking we could fill the void and bring the kids up right.

Not long after we started hanging out with folk interested in the J-Man, we joined a study group with C & T to see if we could learn some more about him.  We both got more than we expected.  

I was pursuing a engineering career in a factory making products for the telecommunications industry and, though the work was fulfilling, I did not think I was advancing through the ranks fast enough, which translates to "I want to get paid higher on the salary curve."  During my periodic reviews with my boss I am sure I seemed frustrated because he described my efforts in glowing terms, but he failed to mention any possibility of advancement.  What was the problem?

In our study group we were discussing a book written by one of the J-Man's close friends, Matt, and he recounted an event where the J-Man was sitting on a hillside with a pretty big crowd spread out below him and he was describing his worldview to some of his friends.  Now as we investigated this worldview I began to realize that mine was out of wack; the things I was pursuing: professional recognition, money, and still those things that make you feel good, did not jive with being a person that was humble, forgiving, understanding, meek, good, and sorry for not living like the J-Man wanted me to (for my own good).  So cognitive dissonance raged until I decided that the J-Man had a better plan than I did.  I remember distinctly asking the J-Man to help me be the person he wanted me to before going into a big performance review with my boss. I decided that I would not go in with the idea of pumping up his impression of me in hopes of getting a good rating but instead just to talk about what the past year had been like, where I could improve as an engineer (and person) and what our goals for the coming year would be. I left feeling more satisfied that ever before with no expectation of getting recognition, promotion or the big raise.  Those things just did not matter any more; I just wanted to be what the J-Man wanted for me and I knew that the talk he gave those folk from the hillside would be my ethical guide.  By the way, since I had given up my striving for personal gain I found myself inclined to be as helpful to those around me as I could, doing whatever I could to make them successful without regard to myself.  Guess what? I began to be recognized for just that and my engineering career started to move in directions most satisfying and productive, resulting in the advancement that I had striven for previously but without success; I took my eyes off myself (not perfectly mind you) and considered others more important.  Life was never the same after that decision.

Now as I reflect on the many years since then, I can see how the J-Man has been changing me (ever so slowly) into the person he wanted me to be (he is not finished yet). He provided for me and my family, he helped us through many challenges with family, health, employment set-backs, and disappointments, and simultaneously he gave me (and us)  both joie de vivre and reason d'etre.  These were gifts that the J-Man gave; I did not do anything to deserve them.  If my relationship with him had been based on me getting life right, of course I would have failed (who gets life right?).  Instead he just took care of my messing up (it had to do with that cross thing - he died to fix this messy world) and gave me the opportunity to live with gratitude for what he did for me and others, and without shame for all my messing up (I still mess up, I wish I didn't, but he's got it covered).

Along this journey he presented me with many ways I could serve him (basically helping other folk) which were all adventures in themselves.  On many of these adventures I had a tadpole as a partner, if you can imagine that.  Most of those adventures focused on helping other people find what I had found out about the J-Man, so that they could have the benefits of knowing him and having him take care of them (he has the amazing capability to remedy everything that plagues us, and I mean everything for everybody, but not necessarily in the way you think he should).  I can only imagine how meaningless and frustrating my life would have been if I had not chosen to follow his way instead of mine. I expect that in retirement this journey will change and I am looking forward to what he has in store for me.  And, best of all, the journey is one that is not bound by this life, this planet or the universe, but is an adventure that transcends all we see around us and does not end, ever.  Who wouldn't want that.  God, I love him.

About a year ago I had an adventure with a guy who works at the Sunday place (he works lots of other places too because he is really focused on serving the J-Man).  We attended a conference about getting the message of the J-Man out into the world and one of the sessions pertained to some methods and tools for doing this on a personal level.  The upshot of that session was my desire to be bolder and to use the tools suggested.  I plagarized the materials extensively (with permission) and developed two brochures to share with folk who may be interested in the J-Man.  Here, I call them:  Believing It and Living It.  Check them out and let me know if you have any questions or just want to talk. They can lead to the most significant journey of your life, don't miss out!

Side Trail to SoCal Part 2: Son-shine and Friends

 So what would encourage a couple to attend a wedding 3K miles away?  How about the chance of snagging some son-shine and becoming better acquainted with the boy's friends.  The Inland Empire and Palm Springs were our destinations.  Our first adventure consisted of a pick-up on Sunday by the boy and his friend C in San Diego and a freeway ride up to Rancho Cucamonga.  Great desert views and wonderful conversation; just catching up face-to-face (texting sometimes just does not satisfy as much as a hug anytime you want one, but not while driving, if you please). 

Weather near perfect: rain the previous week and some stiff easterly winds blew out all the smog in the LA basin, so mountains were always in view.  Warm, but with little humidity (that wet stuff we live with in the East), exceedingly pleasant.

How about friends?  Some of the boy's welding buddies and associates got together at Family L's house for some late afternoon into evening socializing around the barby.  A tri-tip roast, twice-baked potatoes (a specialty of my Mom's), and lots of other trimmings satisfied our need for nourishment, but the fellowship around the pool and under the tiki-style sun-shading hut was priceless.  One of the things that a parent most desires for a child is for them have a community that is supportive, engaging, genuine, full of life, and loving.  So with great satisfaction we sat among some of the boy's closest friends in SoCal and just absorbed their warmth and grace.  This is one tech-heavy group with more sophisticated mobile apparati and apps than grains of sand in the desert, so the conversation was frequently punctuated with new flashes (like, hey we got OBL) and factoids with the steady rhythm of reggae in the background.  The host J was pleasantly loquacious, so we learned a lot of stuff about his house boat project near Las Vegas, in which he enlisted the welding skills of the boy and associates. This is definitely California living.

On Monday, M and I headed East to meet up with the boy and C in Palm Springs, the trip over the mountain highlighted with wind farms; another near perfect day, but expected to reach 100F (no humidity, no problem).  We four headed up to Joshua Tree National Park (the boy is the best wheelman this side of the Rockies - M is the best on the eastern side).  C did a wonderful job of acquainting us with Palm Springs and surroundings and making us feel so genuinely cared for. The Park is amazing and defies description; a few key thoughts: rattlesnakes, desert blooms, strange squirrels (for Easterners), rocks, rocks, and more rocks, cool breeze, green turning to brown scrub, mountains (with snow), and inland sea (a bit salty), more rocks, sand, and expansive sky.

We enjoyed driving through the park and up to a summit that yielded marvelous views as well as getting out to the car for a tentative walkabout realizing that rattlesnakes were in abundance (we saw at least two on the road).  Yes, there is snow on the mountain.  The vistas here, especially when the air is so clear, are breath-taking.  Makes you wonder: did all this just happen by chance?  I don't think so.  Somebody has been very busy for a long time.

After the park we headed back to Palm Springs via Pioneer Town, an old outside movie set for westerns.  Some folk were actually in residence and gave us the traditional "Howdy".  Can't you seen John Wayne in a gunfight right here?

Had a full day yet? We are just getting started.  Next stop was the delightful home of C's parents, J & G.  More fine folk.  How did the boy get so lucky to have all these great people around him?  Prayer?  These folk live in a golf community in Desert Palm Springs, with more spectacular views, just up the road from PS.  G toured me in his golf cart so I could get the feel of the place.  I have only played golf once, but I may tread these links as a new adventure on a return trip.

Now back to PS to finish off the day.  We wandered to downtown for dinner at a delightful Thai restaurant and then walked around taking in the scene.  Marvelous end to the day. 

M and I headed back to Rancho and the boy and C met us in the morning for that most challenging of all adventures, driving on the freeway to LAX (thank the Lord for the HOV lanes and a son who knows his way around).  Made great time with no stress, which is remarkable for someone a bit OCD about missing airplane rides.  Nothing to say about the 7 hour return flights except that we had many fresh and meaningful memories to digest.  Home looked pretty good at the end of the day.  That's what I call a jam-packed adventure; I think we got more than our money's worth.

Side Trail to So Cal?: Sunshine in San Diego

So what does it take to spawn a trip to the West Coast?  A wedding invitation from a friend and the possibility of some face time with the boy (our son, Win) just might do it.  So last Friday M and I were off.  Now, in the spirit of adventure the wedding stands alone and is documented by others, but M and I aspire to our own when in a different place.  So Saturday morning (wedding in the evening) we struck out for a day in SD, beginning with a trolley ride to The Embarcadero.  Now, I believe that angels particpate in all our adventures and this one is no exception:  as we approached the ticket booth for the SD harbor cruise, Julie from Oregon approached us with an offer of two gratis tickets for the complete harbour tour (north and south).  She had been compted some for business and was looking for willing recipients, which we were, given the price.  She joined us on the two-hour cruise and with the weather near perfect we set out. 

The tour was much more informative than expected; we learned much about the history of SD and, in particular, the significance of the naval presence throughout.    We saw a wide variety of military vessels and aircraft in port but on active duty; no mothball fleet here, it's the real thing.  Coronada Island beckoned us but that will have to wait for another adventure.  Shore birds and sea lions were prominent.  As we toured a fleet of sailing vessels (at least 50) left the harbour for a day of ocean racing.  Stiff breeze would make for exciting competition.  But our choice was shoeless lounging on the aft deck, deciding whether or not we needed to put on that jumper (on and off a few times), and soaking up the sunshine. 

After the tour, we were back on the trolley to Old Towne, for a lookabout and lunch.  The state park and concessions provided all we needed for refreshment and an enjoyable north-of-the-border trip to Mexico.  Since I am infatuated with all things associated with public transport, I observed that the trolley system went all the way out to SD State University and then looped back to our morning starting point.  Not knowing the distance I convinced M we should view SD and environs more broadly.  This was more of an adventure than we planned.  We traveled back down Commerce Street and observed where and how the less fortunate of SD denizens spend their time.  That and the trolley motion rattled us a bit, but we still returned to our hotel in just enough time to spruce up and meet up with folk conducting us to the wedding.

The wedding was quite enjoyable but the band left us in an unadventurous mood; jumping around the dance floor with young girls in their cocktail dresses who had extraodinary height achievments just was not going to do it.  We weighed in on a slow one and then after the cake cutting (marvelous bundt style - moist and a bit fruity) we hoofed it back to the hotel to ready ourselves for the next phase of our SoCal adventure.  We were quite satisfied with making a day of it and a full one at that, our time being short.  We did walk quite a bit; must keep those legs in shape for the AT.